He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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