so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
