i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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