Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
