If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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