Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
