Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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