It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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