I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
