I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
