Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
