the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
