he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
