Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize