two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
