barbara walters just said penis...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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