In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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