cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His hands were made for my vagina.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
