But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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