I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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