When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
