I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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