You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
