I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
