I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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