fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize