She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
