i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
