I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
