Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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