Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
