you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
