and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
