I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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