i think i scared a bird with my dick
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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