If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
