I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize