I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
