He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
