That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
