I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
