Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
