did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
