Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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