does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
