Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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