walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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