One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
