i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
