Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
