My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
