My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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