omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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