I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
