The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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