turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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