I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
