Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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