he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
