onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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