Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize