Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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