i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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