Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize