Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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